I know it hurts to smile but you try to

[danzanelfuoco]

BEASTARS

Louis/Legosi

NSFW

Maritombola 41 - In your eyes, The Weeknd 

Louis clutches the papers in his hand, crumpling them and shoving them deeper inside the pocket of his trousers. 

It feels like failure and freedom. 

He tried so hard - so hard, always looking away, always pretending to be blind and oblivious, that everything was fine - and yet. Azumi divorced him. 

Louis knocks at the door he has been staring at for the past ten minutes. 

It takes a while and the waiting is the longest in the deer’s life. 

“Louis?” 

Louis takes a step forward, pushes Legosi in as he closes the door behind himself and the wolf stumbles back. 

“What happened?” 

Louis doesn’t reply, doesn’t let him ask further questions. Louis pushes him and when Legosi doesn’t falter anymore, he keeps pushing until he’s pressed against his chest and then he kisses him.
Legosi doesn’t move, shocked, his eyes widen, and Louis kisses him again, licking the seam of his lips. 

“Louis! What are you doing?” 

Legosi snaps out of it and grabs him by the shoulders, keeping him at a distance.

“I’m kissing you,” Louis deadpans, “And then, if you’re not against it, I’d like to fuck.” 

“But - but - why?” 

“I could leave, if you wish, but I was under the impression you were not opposed to the idea.” 

Legosi shakes his head, “I - I can’t. Louis…” 

The wolf is pleading. Louis always liked it, having Legosi in his power, having him orbiting around him, knowing what he felt but never acting on it. 

“I’ll go then,” the deer says, but doesn’t move. 

“Now you’re just being cruel,” Legosi closes his eyes, as if he couldn’t bear to look at him, “You know… you must know.” 

“I do. Is that the problem? That you want this to be meaningful?” 

“Yes,” Legosi doesn’t know if Louis expected him to deny it, but the wolf is so tired of pretending, “yes. I can’t take the brunt when you’re done with me.” 

“What makes you think that it’s not already meaningful? What makes you think, after all these years, that I’ll ever be done with you?” 

“Why now?” 

“Because I’m tired, Legosi, I’m so fucking tired of restraining myself from doing what I want” Louis places a hand on his muzzle, intertwines his fingers in the fur on his cheeks. “I’m an actor. I’ve always been. I’ve played the part though all my life and the only thing I got out of it it’s an empty theatre. When the public leaves, I’m nothing. Do you see my problem? The public always leaves at the end.” 

“But the theater crew stays after the curtain falls,” Legosi’s voice is hoarse and his hand curls against Louis’ hip, almost giving in. 

Louis looks at his lips, barely open, just the hint of his fangs hiding behind them,“They do, don’t they.” 

“What about your wife?” He tries to build barriers between them, to bring up reasons over reasons to not give in, but it was never up to Legosi in the first place and he should have known better. 

“She’s just part of the public and the show has ended.” 

Then Louis kisses him and Legosi does cave in, kissing him back.

It’s only when he has him all hot and bothered and on the verge of losing himself, of masochistically getting burned by his own feelings, that Louis tells him - because Louis always liked power plays. 

“I love you, Legosi. I’ve always had.” 

Legosi doesn’t reply. He doesn’t have to. 

It’s frantic and desperate - as if they couldn’t wait a minute more, as if everything would dissolve between their fingers -  Louis almost tears apart his clothes and Legosi can hear buttons clutter on the floor, torn from the fabric by his claws. 

Louis clutches his shoulder and pushes him on the bed, straddling him, and it’s almost oniric, something that could not be happening in reality and Legosi has to caress his spine to make it feel real, he has to grip his hips as Louis slowly lowers himself on his cock, raw and deliciously painful, -  because it’s clear by now that the deer is a masochist, denying themselves this long, and what for? 

“I’ve missed you,” Louis gasps against his lips as he kisses him, moving his hips to ride him and there’s blood, Legosi can smell it, but when isn’t there blood with Louis? 

You never had me before, Legosi should answer, because you can’t miss something you never experienced, but he knows what the deer means. It feels like going home, it feels like fucking finally, like finding under the couch the piece that was always missing from the puzzle. 

In the end - when there’s just semen and blood trickling down his thighs and he lies on Legosi’s chest, his knot still inside, filling him up - Louis can fucking finally smile, despite all the pain.  

“This feels way more real than anything,” he says. 

“That’s because this is true,” the wolf replies and his answer is just so simple, as if it were Louis the one that always complicates everything. And maybe he’s right. Definitely, he’s right. 

But this time, Louis would really like to prove him wrong.

“Yes. Yes, it is.”