A comedian walks in a gay bar... (but what about the punch line?)

THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL

Miriam Maisel/OFC, Miriam Maisel/Susie Myerson 

Spoiler 4x04
COW-T #12, w3, m3: 3 scene da almeno 333 parole

Ok, so rule number one: You do not bring your manager slash best friend to a gay bar. Ever. Even if you mean well, even if you think it’s a nice thing to do. Well, maybe this should be rule number two, with the first rule being never ever again assume about knowing one's sexuality. 

She should have already got it from the Shy debacle. 

Anyway, Midge is smart, Midge can learn, and she will apologize to Susie tomorrow. She just needs her to calm down, then they'll talk this through and everything will be good. 

Miriam swallows the rest of her whiskey and then she moves to the one Susie left on the table untouched when she left her there. 

"Do you mind some company?" 

The woman asking doesn't look like she belongs here - come on, Midge, what did we just say about stereotypes? They don't work unless you're on stage. 

Anyway, the woman is cute, perfect make up to enhance the bluest eyes Miriam has ever seen, blond hair curled in a hairstyle to die for, and she's wearing the kind of dress Miriam would love to wear, maybe she could steal it somehow. But the woman would have to take it off first, and why is she thinking about women - this woman, who just asked her if she wanted some company - getting naked? Is it the place? She works surrounded by women that get naked for a job, for fuck's sake. 

"Maybe I could buy you another drink?"  the woman asks, sitting at Susie's empty spot. "Name's Carole, and your hat is marvelous" she says gesturing the waitress for a whiskey too.  

“Oh, no, I’m not -” Miriam shakes her head and waves her hands, trying to diffuse. "I was just here for my friend." 

“Are you sure?” The woman - Carole asks, “Not even a little bit curious? I don't bite, I swear.”  

Miriam should just keep shaking her head, and maybe Carole would go away. But does she want to? 

Maybe the reason she has having nothing but a string of idiot dates is not that she's trying to date normal people, it's that she's trying to date man. 

Must be the whiskey talking, but Midge bites her lower lip at Carole's tentative smile. 

"Just one drink, I'm not actually..." she waves her hand, motioning to the whole ambience around them. "I had a husband." 

"Had?" 

"Long story," Miriam shoots her second whiskey down, "Really long story." 

"Well, I don't have anywhere else to be for the night. What about you?" 

* 

Midge is too busy having an identity crisis to notice Susie ignoring her. 

It's awful of her to be so self centered to ignore her manager slash best friend now that she has upset her. But Miriam was always a little bit egotistical and now she has to think about the fact that Carol had patiently listened to her relying the disastrous tale of her marriage, laughing at all the right points and then had proceeded to talk to her about her list of disastrous dates with man and then with woman - because who thought, people were just awful regardless of sex -, and Midge had thought she had found a kindred spirit, another friend, not unlike Imogene. Except by the end of the night, she had more than four whiskey running in her body, and when Carole asked her if she wanted to move things to her flat Miriam had actually said yes. 

She wasn't as drunk as she'd like to pretend, because she remembers perfectly the cherry taste of the red lipstick Carole was wearing when she kissed her, she remembers getting off her clothes, Carole helping her with the buttons and then her hands on Carole's tights. Her skin was smooth and warm and she was so pliable, so soft, so unlike every other person she had slept with - every other man, because Carole was a woman and oh, the way she had spread Miriam legs apart and knelt between them, licking at her slit, knowing perfectly what she was doing as she slipped her fingers inside her. 

It would have been nothing - it would have been the best sex she had ever had - still,  it would have been nothing if she had only come and nothing else. But she was high, high from her orgasm - the best she ever had - and she thought it would have just been polite to reciprocate even if she hadn't the faintest idea what she should do. Still, she tried, and it's been two days and Miriam knows what another woman tastes like, how another woman sounds when she comes, all the little gasps Carole let out until she was screaming, because turns out Midge just had a knack for it, even if she had never done it before. 

So Midge feels a little justified in having a meltdown just right now, even if she should be worrying herself over Susie. 

-

"Miriam, I'm trying to ignore you, could you, please, not ignore me?”

“Uhm uhm,” Miriam hums and doesn't look up from the very interesting spot on the floor between her feet. 

“Miriam!” Susie snaps, thrusting her part of the money she has just collected from Boise under her nose. 

“Yes! Yes, sure, thank you!” Midge shakes her head and takes the money, but then she doesn't pocket it away, staring at them as if she had never seen a dollar and doesn't know what to do with it.  

"I'm still angry at you," Susie warns her, but then she sighs and sits right beside her on the bench in the way overcrowded hallway of the strip club, "What's wrong with you?" 

"I slept with a woman," Miriam blurts, without even thinking about it. She needs to talk with someone, she needs to take it off her chest, but she couldn't tell anyone - well, anyone except Susie. Susie will understand her, right? 

But Susie is looking at her, disbelieving, as if she had grown a second head, "You did - what?" 

"I slept with a woman," Miriam repeats, voice a little hollow, "Carole." 

"When you say you slept with a woman..." Susie's voice trails because she's still trying to make sense of it, of Midge Maisel, the incontrovertibly heterosexual Mrs. Maisel, with her hats and perfectly ironed dresses, the one chirping a thousand words per minutes about Tupperware, sleeping with a woman. 

"Carole," she corrects her, and Susie nods, still weary. 

"So, when you say you slept with Carole...?" 

"We had sex," Miriam snaps and turns her head to look at her. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Am I - Susie, I was married, I have children, I know if I had sex with someone." 

"I was just asking, maybe you though you were having sex and..." but Susie doesn't finish that sentence. She might think Miriam is naive in some aspect of her life, but she's pretty sure she knows when she has an orgasm. Not that she ever thought about Miriam having an orgasm, right? 

"What, you want the details?" she snaps, and as usual when she starts talking and she's angry, she forgets herself, she forgets she's in the middle of the hallway in her workplace, and she should advertise she has had sex with a woman. "Do you want to know that she licked me, or that I put my fingers-"

"God, no!" Susie interrupts her, plastering a hand over her mouth. She can't hear it. She can't imagine Miriam like that - it's bad enough that she's already projecting it in her mind, the few details that Miriam managed to spill out. "Ok, ok, I wasn't doubting your word, that was stupid of me, but no more details, ok? There is a thing like too much information." 

Midge nods, and Susie takes away her hand. 

"Ok, so why are you panicking?" 

"It was good," Midge says, a tentative smile on her face, "Really good."  She throws back her head and hits it against the wall with a low thump, exposing the white column of her neck. "I like man, Susie, why did it felt good if I like man?" 

"You can like both," Susie puts a hand on her shoulder, "didn't whoever told you how to find that club tell you?" 

Midge smiles and shakes her head, "I'm sorry about that. I thought I was being a good friend. I shouldn't have assumed."

"Eh, it's fine. You've done stupider shit," Susie shrugs, "you want to go back to that bar tonight, see if you end up meeting Carole again? Or someone like her?"

Or someone like me?  

Miriam looks at her, a contemplative hue in her eyes, and then she nods, "Yes, ok, why not.”

heart of courage

BHNA 

Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku 

Fantasy!Au 

COW-T #12, w3, m4: Unicorns prefer virgins 

La foresta è più fitta di quello che si sarebbe aspettato, ma Bakugou non è mai stato il tipo da tirarsi indietro davanti ad una sfida. Il più silenziosamente possibile avanza, tranciando le fronde che non riesce a spostare e provando forse un po’ troppo gusto a far rimbalzare quelle che invece riesce a deflette sul viso del ragazzino che incespica di dietro di lui. 

Non può lasciarlo indietro, peccato. Non può, oh così casualmente perderselo nel fitto degli alberi, perché entrambi sono lì con una missione, anche se Katuski è più che sicuro che se fosse da solo sarebbe già arrivato alla meta, checché ne dicano le profezie di spade spezzate e due facce della stessa moneta e del fatto che i prescelti siano due e uno di essi sia questo smunto ragazzino che viene da CittàCastello.

Invece Katsuki è costretto a portarselo a traino, perché a sentire i santoni della sua tribù, solo loro due, insieme, saranno in grado di trovare il Cuore della Foresta, qualsiasi cosa sia una roba con quel nome uscito dritto dritto da una leggenda, compiere il rituale per riattivarlo e scacciare le Ombre dal regno. Tutte cazzate, a sentire Katsuki, ma sua madre aveva cominciato a strillare come la vecchia gallina che era e il Re in persona era venuto con i suoi stregoni e con quel Deku maledetto al villaggio di Bakugou per unire i due prescelti e spedirli in questa missione, che francamente a Bakugou sembrava più improbabile del 

Se non fosse che a forza di girare, Bakugou arriva in una radura e si deve fermare sui suo passi, perché non è possibile. Izuku, troppo impegnato a guardarsi i piedi per evitare di inciampare in una radice, gli finisce completamente addosso. 

“Guarda dove vai, imbecille!” Bakugou sibila tra i denti, stranamente quieto, e Izuku si sporge oltre alla sua spalla per vedere cosa mai lo abbia fatto fermare così. 

Il manto della creatura è di un bianco talmente candido che sotto i riflessi del sole sembra argenteo,  della stessa metallica sfumatura del corno che gli sormonta la fronte, appuntito e accecante. 

“Ma quello è…?”

“Sh!” 

L’unicorno tende le orecchie e solleva la testa verso di loro. Non sembra particolarmente preoccupato dalla loro presenza, quasi fosse consapevole che non sono lì per fargli del male. Katsuki sente la presa sulla spada affievolirsi e poi l’arma casca a terra con un tonfo sordo, ovattato dall’erba e dalle foglie. 

L’unicorno si avvicina a loro, incede sicuro, e Katsuki sente Izuku trattenere il fiato contro la sua schiena. Ha ancora una mano posata sulla sua spalla nuda e il Cavaliere dei Draghi la sente bruciare contro la pelle. 

Katsuki non può fare a meno di pensare che un essere tanto puro in un mondo devastato dalle Ombre non dovrebbe più esistere e invece eccolo lì, fermo a guardarli con due imperscrutabili occhi scuri che dovrebbero essere vacui come quelli di un qualsiasi animale ma che al contrario brillano di intelligenza. 

Inclina la testa l’animale, quasi a chiedergli che ci facciano lì, e la sua criniera bianchissima casca di  lato irradiando un prisma di arcobaleni. Li annusa, Katsuki lo vede allargare le narici equine, e si sforza di non arrossire al pensiero che gli unicorni preferiscano i puri - perché lui di puro ha soltanto il fatto di non essere mai stato toccato da altri, con il suo linguaggio sboccato e la propensione ad attaccare briga con chiunque, sicuramente l’unicorno scapperà a gambe levate. Forse è per questo che gli hanno appioppato il ragazzino alle sue spalle, forse è lui quello puro, quello che non sa nemmeno tenere in mano una spada. L’unicorno lo fissa, sembra valutarlo e Katsuki sostiene il suo sguardo, coraggio, che lo scarti e fisica tutta questa pantomima. Poi l’unicorno rivolge lo sguardo scuro su Izuku e il ragazzo freme contro la sua spalla sotto lo sguardo indagatore dell’animale magico. 

Sono indegni e se quello è il guardiano della foresta hanno fallito e dovranno tornarsene da dove sono venuti, al villaggio, a CittàCastello, da sua madre e dal re, con la coda tra le gambe perché non erano loro gli eroi e poi - 

Poi l’unicorno spinge il muso contro la spalla di Katsuki, toccando con il naso umido la mano di Izuku. 

Il ragazzo solleva lentamente la mano per non spaventarlo e la posa sul dorso del naso, arricciando le dita in quella che potrebbe sembrare una carezza se non fosse così timorosa. 

Katsuki non ci può credere. L’unicorno gli dà un affettuosa spintarella sulla spalla con il naso bagnato e poi si sposta, arretrando. 

Alla fine gli fa cenno di seguirli con il capo. Verso il Cuore della Foresta.