Passiflora

[danzanelfuoco]

SHE-RA
Adora/Catra
Modern!Au
CW: Childhood trauma 

COW-T (week 5, mission 4): Il farmacista - Max Gazzè 
Polvere d’amore/Té verde due bustine

Thursday evenings are the worst shift of her week and no one will ever convince her otherwise. 

Catra plasters a fake smile on her lips, thinning them so much she’s showing her teeth in something more feral than courteous, when she hears the bell over the door tingling, announcing the entrance of some customers.

“How may I help you?” She asks from behind the counter and Adora, the ban of her existence, smiles genuinely, as if Catra hadn’t just tried to kill her with her eyes. 

But no, Adora never takes the hint, does she? 

As her friends sit at their usual table, the girl approaches her. 

“My friends would like these teas,” she says handing her a neatly written list - and Catra raises her eyebrows, because coming in knowing what you’re going to order is a thing, and having the whole order previously written is another, - “But I… I’m… not sure. What would you recommend?” she babbles, and Catra has to force herself to suppress an eye roll. It’s not like Adora and her crew of glittering, always happy, just taken straight out of a rainbow and unbearably goody-two-shoes friends don’t come every fucking Thursday to order some weird combination of “matcha with soy milk and a sprinkle of hazelnut” or “black tea, preferably Darjeeling, flavored with violet petals and crusted sugar”. Damn, they probably know the whole menu by heart by now, so what’s with all the theatrics? 

“Last time you seemed to enjoy the green tea with anisette, licorice radish, and chicory” she prompts her, hoping to send Adora her way quickly. The sooner she deals with her, the sooner she can bring their tea and go brooding in a corner, pretending they’re not there. 

But instead of feeling cut off, Adora perks up. 

“Oh, you remembered!” her eyes widen and her smile brightens, so much it’s almost blinding. Catra hates it - and the things it does to her stomach. 

“Yes, well, you’re the only one who drinks that thing,” she looks away, already on the defensive. 

“Oh. Oh, sure. Of course,” and now Adora it’s not smiling anymore. Why isn’t she smiling anymore? Why does Catra even care? 

Damn, they’re not friends anymore, haven’t been for so long a time that they weren’t old enough to drink tea back then and now they could buy alcohol if they so wished. 

“Anyway, I wouldn’t be able to give you any advice, I don’t usually drink those flowery flavored things.”
“And what do you drink?” Adora says back, not letting Catra intimidate her with her attitude. 

Catra thinks about lying, giving her the name of something she could enjoy, just to get rid of her with something, - maybe vanilla green tea with rose petals, she looks the type to enjoy it - but then, why not, let’s just throw it in her face. They are different in every possible way, and Catra isn’t ashamed - even if being herself is what had her staying at the orphanage with Shadow Weaver, while Adora got adopted by some fairytale godmother, even if being herself is the reason she’s the waitress and Adora the customer, even if being herself is the reason Adora left her. 

“Ceylon,” she answers, almost daring Adora to say something, “With a drop of milk. Full-cream, not that skimmed or semi-skimmed thing that tastes like water. No sugar.” 

“Oh,” Adora needs a second to take it in, and Catra knows she’s never gonna order such a thing. “And just that? You never want to try new things?” 

Catra tilts her head, what is Adora even doing? Just order a tea and be over with this torture. 

“Just that,” she nods. “Now, for you, I was thinking maybe vanilla tea? I have a green variety with rose petals, and a black one with cinnamon.” 

“No. No, I’ll just take the Ceylon,” Adora surprises her. “What did you say? A drop of milk and no sugar.” 

“Full-cream or…?”
“Full-cream.” Adora nods and turns to reach her friends before stopping in her tracks. She turns again, facing Catra as a blush spreads on her cheeks. “Actually… I was thinking… maybe you could make two.” 

“Uh?”

“Two Ceylon. You know, you could… come to sit with us? My treat, of course.” 

Adora blushes and looks at her expectantly, and Catra just feels her heart beating too loud in her ears, cold shivers running down her spine, the hair on her neck standing up. 

“I’m working,” she says, because she wasn’t expecting this and it’s too much, too sudden, it feels like an ambush, - and she hasn’t seen it coming, damn her, she needs to find an out, she feels like running, but where? 

“The place is empty, can’t you take ten minutes?” Adora bites her lower lips, almost pleading. 

“No, I can’t,” she shuts her off. 

“Catra…” 

“Oh, you remember my name, then?” She snarls because come on, what does Adora want from her? What? It hurts, it’s old wound re-opening, wounds Catra has ignored for so long she could have almost believed they were no longer there, but right now they’re bleeding all over again, and, oh joy, they have festered. 

Catra needs to send her away, she needs to regroup and think and she can’t do it if Adora doesn’t leave. She needs this to escalate. 

“You…” Adora opens her mouth at her bitterness, she splutters indignantly, “You were the one who didn’t want to have anything to do with me!” 

“It didn’t take that much convincing, did it?” She snaps and Adora’s face tightens in fury. 

“I was just trying to be nice.” 

“Yeah, well I don’t need it. I don’t need you. I’ve never had.” 

Adora closes her eyes, her jaw clenched, and inhales. Her eyes are watering when she looks at Catra again. 

Then Adora turns and leaves. 

Catra should feel smug, - should feel something, she has hurt her as much as she hurts. Retaliation should feel good, damn it. 

Instead, she feels empty and sad. 

She almost doesn’t hear the scratches of chairs against the floor as Adora’s friends hurriedly stand up to run after her. 

She’s sure they won’t come back next Thursday and wasn’t that exactly what she wanted? 

Then why hasn’t it stopped hurting?

* * * 

Adora doesn’t come next Thursday, nor the one after that. 

Catra tells herself it’s all for the better, that she doesn’t really feel bad about it - that she doesn’t regret acting on impulse and refusing that olive branch. 

She misses Adora. She has always missed her, since she left him with her new perfect mother and her new sister and didn’t come back for two weeks afterward - too busy settling down, to even stop by. 

Catra had never been a day without Adora in her life and then Adora had left her too. She had understood, one day in between those two hellish weeks, that that was her life now and the sooner she got used to it, the sooner it would stop hurting her. 

So when Adora came to visit her, sporting a new white dress instead of the red uniform of the orphanage, a new haircut, and the biggest smile Catra had ever seen on her - the same smile she had when they were talking about being adult and dreaming about the flat they would rent together - Catra had realized that Adora could be perfectly happy without her - even if she couldn’t be without Adora - and just sent her away. 

Self-defense and self-destruction share a lot of letters, after all, and Catra was never really able to distinguish them. 

The third Thursday, though, the bell chimes again - something it hasn’t done the past two weeks, because no one ever comes to the tea room on Thursday - and Catra almost expects Adora and her bunch of friends to barge in as if nothing had happened. 

She almost hopes they will leave her alone - better yet, maybe they’ll hand her another list with their order written on, so they wouldn’t even have to talk. Almost. The biggest and unwisest part of Catra wishes to start a fight. 

But it’s not the whole gang, no, Adora is nowhere to be seen and, instead of a rainbow of colorblind people - too many fucking pastels, Catra thinks, and she’s the one who works in a tearoom -, she just gets Adora’s adopted sister. 

Glimmer - Catra hates that she knows her name - marches up to the counter, a thunderous expression on her face. 

“You screwed up,” she says, crossing her arms on her chest as if she could ever be intimidating.

Catra just raises her eyebrows, because she knows how to be annoying, not deeming that worth of an answer. 

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit! You know perfectly fine what I’m talking about,” Glimmer rants and still, Catra keeps silent, challenging her with a smirk. Yes, she really knows how to be obnoxious. 

“Adora,” Glimmer huffs at last, “I’m talking about Adora."
“What of her?” Catra puts up the most fake-innocent smile she manages and picks at her nails. 

“You hurt her. For no reason at all.” 

“There were plenty of reasons. But I don’t think that’s any of your business ” 

“Oh, really?” Glimmer arches her eyebrows and cocks her head, arms still crossed over her chest. “She’s my sister, you know, she is my business.” 

“But I am not. I don’t wish to talk with Adora, nor to see her, or to interact with her more than this stupid job would have me, and if that hurts her, it’s her problem, not mine.” 

Glimmers looks taken aback, blinking at her as if struck. 

“My goodness, what crawled up your ass and bit you?” 

Catra scoffs at her, almost hiss like a cat. “Excuse me?” 

“You heard it the first time.”

“I think it’s time you go. This is my workplace and you’re wasting my time.” 

“I am a customer.”
“No, you’re not. Not right now.” 

“Fine, then I want a tea.” 

Catra looks at her, wondering if she can get away with refusing her. She doesn’t think so. 

“Fine, which one.” 

“An Earl Grey.” 

“An… Earl Grey?”

“Yes. No milk, no lemon, no anything.” Glimmer looks at her with defiance, almost challenging her to criticize her tea choices, but Catra just shakes her head and turns on the kettle, turning to retrieve the cups and the powdered leaves. 

“She misses you, you know?” Glimmer tells to her back, leaning against the counter. Catra tenses, her muscle evidently stiffened under the shirt of his uniform, but she doesn’t interrupt her, so Glimmer takes it as permission to keep talking. “She has tried for years to get in touch with you, but you were always so distant, so dismissive… even in high school, you wanted nothing to do with her” Glimmer shrugs, even if Catra can’t see her, “She thought this time it could be better, you were even civil.”

“It comes with the job. I have to be polite,” Catra says and turns to place the cup on the counter., along with a little hourglass. “Your Earl Gray.” 

Glimmer nods and leaves it to infuse. 

“Well, she hoped it wasn’t just that. We all did because then we could just stop coming here just so she can see you.”
Catra arches her eyebrows in disbelief and Glimmer laughs. 

“Do you really think we really enjoy these over-sugared, over-complicated cups of tea?” Then she grimaces, and she needs to correct herself, “Well, Bow and Perfuma and Seahawk do. Adora could probably be served motor oil and she wouldn’t notice. She’s always too busy looking at what you are doing.” 

“Yes, sure, whatever,” Catra rolls her eyes and concentrates on cleaning the counter, scrubbing a particularly persistent stain of nothing. 

“I don’t know why you don’t believe me, but she misses you.” 

“She replaced me well enough with you,” it slips from Catra’s mouth before she can control herself and she almost hits Glimmer’s cup with the sponge, knocking out the hourglass and sending it over the counter. 

Glimmer catches it before it can break on the floor and places it carefully back, right beside her cup. “Do you really want Adora as a sister?” She stresses the word as if that should make clear to Catra what she means. 

It doesn’t. 

Catra frowns and that seems just to make Glimmer roll her eyes harder. 

“My goodness, you two are unbelievable!” 

“Yes, well, I already told you I don’t want Adora as anything.” 

Glimmer sighs and covers her face with the palm of her hand. “This is way more difficult than I thought.”

"No one asked you to do anything. Why don't you just drink your tea and leave?" 

"Because," Glimmer says looking pointedly at her as she stirs her tea, "I happen to care about Adora's happiness and, for some strange reason, apparently she needs to be on 'good terms' with you. So I'll just stay here, drinking tea after tea until I convince you to talk to her when we'll come back."

Glimmer smiles and finally takes a sip of her damn Earl Grey, and Catra needs really badly to suppress the impulse to tip up the bottom of her cup. It's unprofessional, it's potentially harmful and it would be oh, so satisfying. 

"This is pointless," Catra throws the towel in the sink, "there is nothing you can do to change things. The past has already happened, choices were made and really I haven't talked to Adora in the past nine years." 

"Since she was adopted and you weren't." 

"Yes." 

"She... told me. About what happened in the orphanage. Not all of it, I'm sure, but..." 

"I don't need therapy, Glimmer. I don't need to talk about it, not with you, not with Adora, not with a counselor." Catra sighs, and looks away. She doesn't want to talk about it, but she can't leave either, and she damns Glimmer and Adora and Shadow Weaver to hell and back, but maybe if she gives her something, Glimmer will just go away. "And that's not what happened either if she's so worried about it. You can tell her, they didn't brainwash me into thinking she wasn't worthy or whatever cult excuse they use to separate you from the people you care about..." 

Glimmer doesn't prompt her to go on, she simply waits for Catra to finds the words. 

"It was just... She left. She left me. I stayed there two weeks, wondering when she would come back for me, every day looking out of the window. She never came and I realized I couldn't rely on her anymore. I needed to be able to go on."

"So you cut her out." 

Catra doesn't say yes, doesn't nod. She has given her enough to report home, even more than she had originally planned to say. 

Glimmer bites her lips, sips some tea, fidgeting with the string of the tea bag. She doesn't look uncomfortable, though. 

"I won't tell you I think you need therapy, because honestly, you're an adult, you know how to deal with your own trauma. But it wasn't Adora's fault. It hit her, not having you anymore."

"It hit me harder. I didn't have a brand new shiny family to take care of me." 

"I know. I'm sorry we didn't take you, I'm sorry you were forced to stay there..."

"I don't need you to be sorry. That's what no one gets! I was happy there!" 

This time Glimmer does look taken aback.

"I didn't know better and I was happy. I had Adora, I had Shadow Weaver, I had a family. Then Adora left and you and your mother didn't just take her from me. Don't you think I can do my math? Adora gets adopted, she spills the beans and suddenly we have an investigation running on the orphanage and..." Catra's voice cracks. It was awful, how they had treated the kids, brainwashed them to be part of the Hord that would take over the worlds and Catra had loved it. It was her family - the only one she had ever known. 

"And the orphanage got closed," Glimmers finishes the sentence for her. 

"Yes." 

"Do you blame Adora for it?" 

"Yes," Catra sighs and then shakes her head, "no. Not really. It wasn't her fault, they were right, the orphanage had to close, I know it. There's no real use in talking about it." 

"Adora..."

"She has you and your mother and her new friends. She doesn't need me. She doesn't need a reminder of what we went through together." 

"And you?" 

"What?" 

"Is that what Adora is to you? A reminder?" 

Catra refuses to answer, not to this. 

"Fine. I won't insist to come back with her if that's what you want. What you really want. But you should listen to me just this once." 

Glimmer waits for Catra to say something else, to acknowledge her at least with a nod. She'll take her silence as encouragement enough. 

"I think you two need each other. You need someone who knows what you went through, you both do. Maybe it will bring you closure." 

Catra closes her eyes, lets her words wash over her, hoping they don't do more damage than she already feels by the end of it. 

"But I assure you, Adora missed you, probably as much as you missed her. And yes, she has me and our mother and new friends, but your place in her heart is still there, empty, waiting for you to go back and fill it. 

I didn't take that space because you were never her sister in the first place. You never will be and she doesn't want you to. Sisters grow together and then grow apart as life goes on. A sister is a person you go out with every Thursday to a stupid tea-room just so you could see the girl you've pined about, the one you phone once a week to know how she’s doing, the one you meet at the family dinners if your relationship is good enough. Do you really want to occupy so little of Adora’s time? Because she doesn't want you to. ” 

She leaves Catra speechless, which is a feat in and of itself. 

“I’ll leave you to think about it.” 

Glimmer stands up and leaves the money on the counter as she retrieves her jacket. 

“You really make it look so easy..." Catra hurries to say and she's bitter and trembling, "How do you even begin mending almost ten years of silence?” 

“I have been told a cup of tea does miracles,” Glimmer smiles. “But, really Catra, I wouldn’t go for Ceylon.” 

* * * 

They end up with green tea, after all - not the vanilla flavored one because Catra could gag, but the one with passionflower and lavender. Two styrofoam cups left to cool on a bench, because no way Catra is having this - whatever it is - in her workplace. 

And it’s not perfect, not even close - Adora cries and Catra hurts, and it all unravels and by the end of it they’re not ok, not even remotely, but tea can work miracles after all.